we live, we grow, we get hurt, and we recover. Sometimes pain can be a good thing. Sometimes there is a lesson to be learned from it, but not this time. I have learned nothing that I would have ever wanted to learn. I have benefitted nill from this. I learned that it is better to have no friends at all then to have friends that stab you in the back. I learned that no matter how much you want to change something, how hard you try, some things are just beyond your control. But, most importantly, I learned that I really do love Julie more than I love myself. I love her more than I love my own happiness, and I am more than willing to suffer through the most excruciating unpleasantries if it means making her happy. I wish that were true. I will go through every tortue one can devise on this earth that does not kill me BUT losing her to someone else. God said that "love is never self-seeking." I suppose that means that many of my actions today were not done out of love, but out of pain, anger, and selfishness. None-the-less, I stand by most of what I have said and done today. But, I have a few apologies to give.
First Mark, I'm sorry, both to you and your family, for threatening your life, and I'm sorry to you for all the things that I have said about you today, though you heard none of them. I do not, however, apologise for saying that you are smarter than I am. You are, and I concede to that. I apologise for ruining your day, and I forgive you for ruining mine.
Second Nathan, you did what you thought was right and you were only looking out for a friend, but in doing that, you hurt another friend. I would have been hurt anyway, there was no avoiding that, and you had nothing to do with that, so I apologise for insulting you and for threatening your life as well. I also apologise for the e-mail that I sent you. We've been friends for a long time, and I don't want to let a little something like me threatening your life and you helping your friend go behind my back and attempt to steal the most important thing in the world to me from me ruin it. The offer for us to still be friends is in the air, take it or leave it. Either way, my concience is clear.
And lastly, and most importantly Julie. You are my joy and my solace in this demon infested hell hole of a planet, and the last thing that I would want to do is hurt you. Never-the-less, that is exactly what I have done, and what I have been doing all along. I have never appreciated you enough. I have always taken you for granted, but this whole ordeal has helped me to realize not how happy I was with you when we were still together, but how truly lucky I was to have you even as a friend. You are a flounder amongst koi. A true masterpiece in a world of half-assed creations, and I have always known this, but I have always treated you as if I were something better than you, which is not in the least bit true. You are, even at your worst, my superior, and it is about time I started treating you that way. You are right, I do not realize all that you do for me, and for that I am sorry. I know that you care about me and I know that you do a great deal to please me, I have simply been to stupid to realize it before. A girl as wonderful as you should never have to listen to someone yelling at her, and I will not yell anymore. if I have a problem, I will either suck it up, or confront you about it calmly and productively. I hope that you can find it within your very big, and very bruised heart to forgive me. I will strive for redemption, and I will correct my character flaws as best I can. You truly are a flounder amongst koi, and I am an ineffably lucky koi to have ever had a chance with you.
and now, after lastly, Phillip. Dear friend, I have not always been there for you, and I have included you in enough portions of my life. You are one of my two most trusted and loyal friends, and I appreciate you tremendously, I just do not show it often enough, or clearly enough. I thank you for your friendship, and I really hate it when you make me feel stupid because I mispronounce words on occasion. I have always had a problem with spellings and pronunciations. There, I said it. And quit calling me stupid.
As some of you may be wondering, yes, I did mention what this is all about already in the post. The first person to find the exact sentence it appears in that doesn't already know gets an apology paragraph in my next post.
A word of advice to those guys who are suspicius and overprotective of their girlfriends: lay off, chill out, calm down. Your constant pestering only makes them consider the concept of liking other guys and makes them upset enough with you to possibly actually act on it.
I congratulate those of you who read this far. You can stop if you want.
I can only hope and pray that within the next few days everything will sort itself out and God's plan, his purpose in all of this will be made clear to me. I lack both the knowledge and the ability to comprehend why something as terrible as this would happen to three people as Godserving, and truly good-hearted as us, but I hope that in the end, we will all three be happy, and we will all three have learned something valuabe from this awful, awful experience.
I'm reavaluating my life right now, and that means that I'm finding out a lot of things that I really do not want to know about myself. Hopefully I will turn out better and happier for it, and I will do my best to make those around me happier as well, most especially Julie.
Julie, you are my queen of hearts. I will do my best to, with everything that I say and do, keep your happiness in mind as a first priority always. You are first and foremost in my life, placed solely under God, and I hope that some day you can say that about me again, though I realize that right now I really do not deserve it. I love you, Jubilee. I always will. |

all right, I'm blogging because Phillip is threatened to never kiss me again if I didn't. (it's a joke). Anyway, it's summer now, and school's out, which is great. Finally I have a chance to relax. Ben, Julie, myself, and Mark rented Cold Winter, which is a crazy fun four player first person shooter. We spent a week playing it to the limits. Then, today, Ben and I decided to try our hand at renting yet another game, unfortunately Snowblind turned out to be a massive disappointment. It was only one player unless you got online, which we can't do. So we took turned playing the single player, which is okay I guess. A little lame, a bit too easy to die.
Julie's back from A&M, which is a blessing. I've missed her a lot. I don't know what I'm going to do when she actually starts going to school there. This was only three days and I was miserable. I'm a little worried about it, not for myself, but for her. I'm a little worried about her resolve. She can't seem to stay with me when she's here, I don't know how she's going to manage when she lives two and a half hours away. I'll certainly miss her a lot. |